Tagged with dating

Kate’s Dates: On Jealousy

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by Kate Richlin-Zack

At some point in our lives, we’ve all been jealous. Someone has something you want or someone threatens to take something you have and the claws come out. Sometimes those claws are razor sharp and you flash them with the roar of a mountain lion. And sometimes you respond with a half-assed warning swat like some sleepy house cat. It all depends on the situation because jealousy is an emotion with a spectrum ranging from mild to red hot. Kinda like salsa. And where you land on that spectrum can depend on everything from the circumstances of the situation to whether or not you’re having a bad hair day.

Rawr.

On the more mild end, we’ve got undeniable but loving sibling rivalry jealousy. Like how your little baby sister has always been (and always will be) the hot, skinny, acerbically funny one with a great head of hair. You can’t compete but you love her anyway and don’t hold it against her that she often looks like she stepped out of the pages of an Abercrombie and Fitch ad. Genetics can be so unfair!

Moving along to the medium category, there’s the kind of jealousy that initially hits you with pang but simmers down within seconds. Continue reading

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Kate’s Dates: Why Online Dating Sucks

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by Kate Richlin-Zack

Online dating is both awesome and dreadful. The possibility that you could connect with the future the love of your life from the comfort of your living room while bleaching your ‘stache and shoveling General Tso’s chicken in your face is pretty spectacular. And it beats the bar scene on convenience alone.  You don’t have to get all dolled up. You can search on your own time rather than live within the confines of happy hour and last call. And when guys hit on you via emails or winks or whatever non-committal bullshit form of interaction your dating website of choice features, you can simply ignore it rather than feeling like a complete bitch as he stands there looking at you all rejected when you refuse to give him your number.

But for as awesome as it is, it’s also friggin miserable and here are my top five reasons why I hate online dating: Continue reading

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Kate’s Dates: On Why He Didn’t Call

Kates-Dates-newby Kate Richlin-Zack


You’ve played it cool for the last three days but it’s day four and enough’s enough. Why hasn’t he called? The date went well, didn’t it?

There are only three, (yes, three) reasons that a guy won’t call you back:

1) There was no mutual connection

Emphasis on mutual. Within minutes of meeting up with him for your first date, you were overcome with excitement. He was absolutely perfect and even gave you butterflies in your tummy. After an amazing date and a quick kiss good night, you were in love and convinced he was “the one” so you called your mother and scheduled your Kleinfeld’s appointment for next week. Unfortunately, that first date was also your last and you haven’t heard from him since. Why? Quite simply, he didn’t feel the same way. He’s not a bad guy, but he’s not going to call you back.  It happens. In fact, it happens more often than not. But lack of mutual attraction (again, let me emphasize mutual) is not anyone’s fault and it’s certainly nothing to feel bad about. So what if he doesn’t feel the same way about you? You can’t hit it off with everyone; if you did, there would be no such thing as SOUL MATES.

2) He’s a jerk

Sometimes, no matter how much effort you put forth and no matter how smart, funny, and really really ridiculously good looking you are, guys are assholes. It’s not that you didn’t make a good impression; quite the opposite.  You spent so much time getting ready, picking an outfit, applying make up, doing your hair. Seven hours of prep time for three hours at an Olive Garden in hopes of something magical and sometimes the never ending bread sticks end up being the highlight of your evening. If you really put your best foot forward, the reason you didn’t hear from him has nothing to do with you.  He high-tailed it out of there because he knows you’re not going to put up with his bullshit. Maybe you were clear that you’re looking for something substantial and he’s only interested in booty calls. Maybe he’s not looking to settle down. Maybe he’s busy with the five other girls he’s juggling. And maybe you’re better off. Of course you will have no way of knowing if this is actually the case and you may have to accept a lack of communication as communication. Sometimes there is no closure. But if he doesn’t appreciate all you have to offer, it’s his loss for sure and you can feel confident that it’s not you, it’s him.

The third and final possibility is the one that’s going to sting the most so brace yourself; you’ve been warned. Continue reading

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Kate’s Dates: My foolproof dating … don’ts

Kates-Dates-newBy Kate Richlin-Zack

Budding relationships are intoxicating: the chemistry, the excitement, the potential. It’s fantastic. The problem is, you can’t think straight. You end up making stupid decisions – Of course I want to fly to Vegas and elope! We’ll just introduce you to my family when we get back. Or you let the uncertainty drive you crazy – It’s been 2 hours and he hasn’t responded to any of my 17 text messages. Sure it’s Wed at 2pm but he couldn’t possibly be in a meeting or doing anything work-related during regular working hours. He must be hooking up with a co-worker.

Before you go blowing your chances completely, here are a few things to keep in mind as your new romance begins to blossom.

Don’t be so eager to be “exclusive”
You just met this guy. Sure he seems great but they all seem great in the first few weeks. They’re always “the one” and you’re so excited to tell everyone all about him because in your fool head you’ve already picked your wedding gown and the names for your unborn children. He just doesn’t know it yet. I get it. But how many times have you run your mouth about how AMAZING your new boyfriend is only to find out a few weeks later he hit on your best friend or has someone locked in his basement. Slow down and diversify your love life for a while. You should be dating no less than three guys at the same time. I’m not saying sleep with all of them, but until you really get to know them, keep your options open. And be honest. Tell them you’re “seeing other people” because quite frankly, if he’s that into you, he’ll waste no time bringing up the exclusivity topic. You should never have to initiate the where-are-we/what-are-we discussion. Any man who’s serious about you will make sure you know EXACTLY where you stand.

Don’t sleep with him right away
If it looks like a duck… Continue reading

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Dear Kate: I’m Single in NYC and I hate Valentine’s Day. What should I do to make it less annoying to be alone tonight?

Dear-Kate-column-identityBy Katharine Luckinbill

Dear Kate,

I am single, I live in New York City and Valentine’s Day is the only day of the year that I hate this city. What do I do to avoid the awful crowds of kissing couples everywhere I go this year? If I see one more stuffed bear and chocolate rose I’m going to throw up on someone.

Sincerely,

Out of Love Lucy

****

Dear Our of Love Lucy,

Girl. I hear ya. Even though I have now joined the hoards of vomit-inducing love couples – I was single for a very long time before that and every year I dreaded Valentine’s Day. It seemed like everyone I knew was married, engaged, had a boyfriend or already had a date. I found myself thinking, “How is this possible? Where do they all find each other? Am I the only single person left in the WORLD?”

Of course I wasn’t, there were droves of other Valentine’s singles brooding about the holiday the same as I was. There was also another group, a group I hadn’t yet been introduced to, the “I Hate Valentine’s Day So Let’s All Get Together and Party” party. This bunch was awesome. A whole other mindset and approach towards this Hallmark holiday.

So awesome, in fact, that there are now super events organized all around the city just for them!

Here are some ideas for how to spend your Valentine’s Day in the big city without a date:

Continue reading

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Kate’s Dates: Five Guys You Shouldn’t Date

By Kate Richlin-Zack

My parents always warned me not to date starving artists, bartenders, and guys who don’t pay their bills on time. I know, I know. We shouldn’t stereotype but there’s a reason the stereotype exists in the first place. I was instructed from an early age to always check the guy’s bank book (does anyone even have bank books anymore?) and to assess whether he’s kind to the wait staff. But despite the sage advice, there are a few other types that blindsided me and unfortunately I had to learn the hard way. Here are five guys you shouldn’t date.

The Perfect on Paper Boy

How to spot him

He’s extremely well educated. Comes from a good family. He knows just how to make you laugh. He sends you flowers and buys you gifts for no reason in particular. He’s a good looking guy. Not like he stepped off the pages of GQ but he’s certainly no slouch. He works out often and is in great shape but secretly loves junk food as much as you do. He has a promising career and reads to blind children in his spare time. If relationships were like jobs and we had to submit resumes and provide references, his would be pristine and his ex-girlfriends would gladly pick up the phone to lobby on his behalf citing their own inadequacies as the underlying cause of their respective breakups.

Why he’s tempting

Well, he’s pretty much “perfect” (however you want to define that) so you’d be an idiot if you weren’t interested in this guy. But that’s precisely the problem; he’s so perfect he’s boring. There’s no chemistry. No excitement. We need some spice! And that’s what sucks the most about this guy. On paper, he’s perfect; in reality, he’s a snooze fest. Plus I’m convinced that anyone who is THAT perfect has to be hiding something.

How to get rid of him

He’s not going away easily. Even if you start dating someone else, he’ll be carrying that torch around for a while. He’s devoted to you 100% — so nothing you say can change that. Try faking mental illness and he’ll offer to drive you to the clinic. He’s so persistent that you may end up the victim of an encore appearance. He’s perfect on paper, you SHOULD love him. Just remember that you don’t. Continue reading

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Kate’s Dates: The Things I Wouldn’t Do For Love

By Kate Richlin-Zack

When it comes to relationships, I’ve put myself out there on several occasions. I called up the hottest guy in my high school class and asked him to go out with me; he politely declined. I got on a plane and flew hundreds of miles to determine if a friendship could be a relationship; it lasted three magical months before he dumped me unexpectedly. I ignored my instincts and dated someone geographically undesirable; we’re currently living happily ever after. I guess you could say venturing outside my comfort zone in hopes of finding true love eventually paid off.

But there were quite a few times that I was simply not willing to push my limits. There were some things I simply was not willing to do and, in thinking about those crazy requests, I came up with my list of the Things I Wouldn’t Do For Love.

1. Dye my hair blonde and wear more makeup
For those of you who know what I look like, you’re well aware this is a ridiculous request. For those of you who don’t know what I look like, I have dark brown hair, a deep olive complexion, and low tolerance for bullshit. So when Flaxen-phile Phillip told me I’d be so much sexier with bleached blonde hair, my immediate response was, “So basically you want me to look like someone else? Why don’t you just date someone else?”

Are you shocked that this same guy also requested more makeup? I’m a far cry from a tomboy. I love spending the day at the salon and look for any excuse to get all dressed up. That being said, I’m also practical. I’m not going to slather on eye shadow like it’s war paint because, quite frankly, looking like a hooker isn’t my style. Plus, if you don’t think I’m sexy enough in sweatpants sans makeup, you’re not the right guy for me.

2. Pay for his drugs
Perpetually Unemployed Patrick was a part-time student/part-time bartender who gave up a lucrative career in finance to pursue his dream of becoming a veterinarian. I’ll admit I was impressed by his willingness to pursue his passion rather than stay in a career that stole his soul, but it also meant he was broke. It started out with seemingly insignificant requests to like “do you have any cash on you? I’m low on gas,” or “would you mind paying for dinner? Things at the bar have been slow the last few nights.” I rationalized that it was a temporary situation. Soon enough, he’d be finished with school and be financially stable. But it started to snowball and, eventually, in addition to my own expenses, I was paying his rent, phone bill, cable bill, car insurance — you name it, I paid for it — under the false pretense that he would “pay me back, I promise!”

Continue reading

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Dear Kate: I think I’m in love with my best friend. Should I tell him?

Dear-Kate-column-identityBy Katharine Luckinbill

Dear Kate,

There’s this guy that I have known for quite some time. Actually since primary school and we’ve always had a very special friendship. Just a little while ago I started to realize that I felt more for him than just friendship and I think he maybe feels it too. Should I tell him how I feel and date him? Or is dating a good friend a bad idea?

Sincerely,

Mixed Feelings

****

Dear Mixed Feelings,

I have been in your shoes, and boy are they hard to walk in! Kudos for thinking it through before making any rash or hasty decisions though.

In my (humble) opinion – this could go one of three ways.

Continue reading

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Kate’s Dates: On Love and Money

By Kate Richlin-Zack

Someone asked me the other day if salary was ever on my list of dating criteria. Truth be told, it’s in the top five. But it’s not because I had visions of  being a trophy wife who spends her days sipping martinis over lunch with my girlfriends or attending back-to-back pilates classes (though that does sound nice). In all my previous experience, money has always, on some level, caused problems in my relationships. The severity of the problem was often directly proportional to the amount of money we didn’t have at the time and I don’t think I’m the only one who’s had that experience. Living paycheck to paycheck is never fun.

Before I go any further on this topic, there’s an important point that I need to clarify because I if I don’t, I just know the hate mail will be flooding my inbox. There’s a difference between being broke because of a temporary hardship and being broke because of a pattern of lazy behavior.

Guys who are broke because of a temporary hardship are not the type of guys I’m talking about here. I’m not referring to guys who are broke because they went back to school to better their career or took time off from their job to care for their dying grandmother. These are actually the kind of guys you should hitch your wagon to because not only are they going places but when you’re sick and dying, they’ll feed you soup and read you stories, like something out of The Notebook. Bonus points if he looks like Ryan Gosling. Let me reiterate: I’m not referring to these guys.

This entire column focuses on, for lack of better terms, freeloaders and deadbeats who are broke because of a pattern of shoddy employment. You know exactly who I’m talking about and hopefully you’re not dating one of them (for my guy readers out there, I hope you’re not one of them): The 30-something happily unemployed college dropout with bad credit who lives at home with his parents and owes an obscene amount of back taxes.

Those are the guys I’m referring to here. If you find yourself dating someone who falls into this category, I strongly suggest you do yourself a favor and get rid of him before you end up living with his parents too. Here’s why…

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Kate’s Dates: On those annoying relationship Facebook posts

By Kate Richlin-Zack

Facebook really pissed me off last night.

This reaction is actually highly unusual for me since I spend an exorbitant amount of time on the site. I love keeping up with old friends, watching everyone’s funny YouTube videos, and I even get a kick out of the effervescent political rants that are becoming more and more popular recently.

But for some reason as I was scrolling through the newsfeed reading a bunch of inane status updates, I suddenly thought to myself, “Who gives a crap?!”

Facebook is incredibly self indulgent. It’s a way to let everyone on your “friends” list know who, what, when, where, and how you’re doing. Also known as a way to make them jealous of all the awesome things you have and do and all the fascinating people you hang out with. Barf.

Look at my Instagram photos. I can turn everyday objects, like the EZ Mac I had for lunch, into art thanks to a filter and a border. And my ironic captions serve as social commentary.

Here are 27 webcam photos of me. I’m really really ridiculously good looking. Check out all the interesting faces I make.

All of my friends are really really ridiculously good looking too. Here’s a photo of us at a trendy bar. It’s trendy because you’ve never been there. I even check into my apartment, which is also trendy because you’ve never been there.

Here’s a picture of me making kissy face with my cat. She rescued a child from a well last year.

And if that wasn’t irritating enough, then you start dating some former-model-turned-nuclear-physicist who’s so gorgeous he looks like he’s from another planet. So now in addition to all the usual obnoxious posts, every relationship milestone is documented online and the status updates reach a whole new level of irritating.

For example…

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Dear Kate: My guy friends are getting flirty! Can “friends with benefits” ever work?

Dear-Kate-column-identityBy Katharine Luckinbill

Dear Kate,
I just got out of a long-term relationship, and am ready to date (something I’ve never really done). Quite a few of my guy friends are now showing interest in me that is more than friendly. While I don’t want to be in another relationship anytime soon, I would like to see where things might go with one or two guys. Is it a bad idea to start seeing guy friends, especially if I don’t intend on making a commitment right now? Should I stick with strangers?

Signed,
Feelin’ Flirty

****

Dear Feelin’ Flirty,

I think the answer to this is a bit mixed from my end. I want to say maybe you should do this, but I also want to tell you to never, ever do this.

I will start by saying that there is no case, in the history of time and male-female relationships, where a  friendship with benefits has ever been completely benign and innocent — where no one got hurt, jealous, confused, or heartbroken. There are, some cases where people eventually get over that hurt and confusion and move on to continue as friends – but the heartbreak and jealousy do still occur. It’s only the least needy and attached types among us that can achieve this balance, and still only after a bit of hurt and pain first.

I stress that this is something to know and be aware of so you don’t go blindly into something that could end up hurting not just you but someone you care about as well.

That being said, there are some situations in which I think you should do it:

Continue reading

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Kate’s Dates: Why Snooping Makes You Crazy

By Kate Richlin-Zack

Gosh it’s just so tempting. He forgets to log out of his email on your computer. He falls asleep in one room and his phone is in the next. He leaves town on business for a few days and you just have to rifle around in his closet. You’re just dying to starting digging through his business, but before you dive in, you might want to think twice. Not only will snooping make you look like a raving lunatic to your unsuspecting boyfriend (he’s so cute when he’s asleep, isn’t he?), you could end up driving yourself crazy and doing irreparable damage to your relationship.

What are you looking for?

Before you go sifting through his text messages, it’s important that you ask yourself a few questions: What is it that you’re looking to find? And more importantly, why are you suspicious in the first place?  Do you have the sneaking suspicion he’s not telling you something? Or are you just inclined to overstep your boundaries? I’m definitely guilty of falling into the latter category and justifying it by citing Ronald Reagan’s approach: Trust but Verify.  If you truly feel you have something to worry about, and feel completely justified in rummaging around in his closets, maybe it’s time to reevaluate your relationship.

It’s all out of context

Anything you find during your snooping adventure is all out of context. If you were to look through your own text messages, chances are most of the conversations would make absolutely no sense. Here’s a great example. You bump into an old friend you haven’t seen in years while waiting in line for your morning coffee. You have a five minute conversation while trying to order, much to the dismay of the irritated barista who is probably going to give you decaf out of spite for slowing things down. As you leave, you give her your number on the back of a napkin.

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