By Kate Richlin-Zack
When it comes to relationships, I’ve put myself out there on several occasions. I called up the hottest guy in my high school class and asked him to go out with me; he politely declined. I got on a plane and flew hundreds of miles to determine if a friendship could be a relationship; it lasted three magical months before he dumped me unexpectedly. I ignored my instincts and dated someone geographically undesirable; we’re currently living happily ever after. I guess you could say venturing outside my comfort zone in hopes of finding true love eventually paid off.
But there were quite a few times that I was simply not willing to push my limits. There were some things I simply was not willing to do and, in thinking about those crazy requests, I came up with my list of the Things I Wouldn’t Do For Love.
1. Dye my hair blonde and wear more makeup
For those of you who know what I look like, you’re well aware this is a ridiculous request. For those of you who don’t know what I look like, I have dark brown hair, a deep olive complexion, and low tolerance for bullshit. So when Flaxen-phile Phillip told me I’d be so much sexier with bleached blonde hair, my immediate response was, “So basically you want me to look like someone else? Why don’t you just date someone else?”
Are you shocked that this same guy also requested more makeup? I’m a far cry from a tomboy. I love spending the day at the salon and look for any excuse to get all dressed up. That being said, I’m also practical. I’m not going to slather on eye shadow like it’s war paint because, quite frankly, looking like a hooker isn’t my style. Plus, if you don’t think I’m sexy enough in sweatpants sans makeup, you’re not the right guy for me.
2. Pay for his drugs
Perpetually Unemployed Patrick was a part-time student/part-time bartender who gave up a lucrative career in finance to pursue his dream of becoming a veterinarian. I’ll admit I was impressed by his willingness to pursue his passion rather than stay in a career that stole his soul, but it also meant he was broke. It started out with seemingly insignificant requests to like “do you have any cash on you? I’m low on gas,” or “would you mind paying for dinner? Things at the bar have been slow the last few nights.” I rationalized that it was a temporary situation. Soon enough, he’d be finished with school and be financially stable. But it started to snowball and, eventually, in addition to my own expenses, I was paying his rent, phone bill, cable bill, car insurance — you name it, I paid for it — under the false pretense that he would “pay me back, I promise!”
Months went by before I realized I’d never see a dime of the money I loaned him because he was incapable of keeping a job, mostly due to the fact that he kept stealing from his employers. But the kicker was when he asked me for money for cocaine — to that I said heck no. And that was the end of that.
3. Hide in my car
It was no secret that Pennsyltucky Tyler had “recently” broken his two year engagement. He told me on our first date as though it might be a deal breaker for me. Though it certainly gave me pause, I didn’t think twice about it. I wasn’t looking for a serious relationship at the time so his baggage was irrelevant. Plus he was very open and assured me that their relationship was completely over. It wasn’t until I was at his house one night that it became a problem. We were enjoying a quiet evening on the couch in our pajamas when his phone rang and within seconds he was in full panic mode.
“You need to get out of here!… umm… go… go hide in your car!”
Turns out his definition of “recently” was actually three weeks and his ex-fiancé was under the impression they were reconciling. She also owned 50% of the house and all its contents — minor details he omitted during his initial confession. Rather than risk having my eyes gouged out by a jilted and justifiably irate woman, I decided to take his advice and go hide in my car. However, I also decided to put the key in the ignition and keep on driving.
4. Keep dating someone who cheated
Prom Queen Kevin and I had been dating for an intense few weeks. When we weren’t physically together, we were up all hours of the night talking until we both fell asleep with our phones in our hands. I was infatuated with him. He was tall, athletic, and devastatingly handsome. In describing him to a friend of mine, I said, “He’s like the stereotypical prom king,” and the nickname stuck.
Until one afternoon, when he dropped a massive bomb. ”I have to tell you something,” he said. “Umm, gosh. This is harder than I thought. I cheated on you … And I think I’m gay.”
Oddly, enough he didn’t cheat on me with a man. That would have been a lot easier for me to wrap my head around, but no. He actually cheated on me with another woman. What’s even more disconcerting is that after he came clean about his infidelity and questionable sexuality, he expected me to forgive him and continue dating him.
5. Sleep with a guy about to get married
Office Supply Closet Carl and I enjoyed some hot and heavy make out sessions next to the copy machine but it never went any further. The heat between us fizzled out and we both went our separate ways. One afternoon, he called me out of the blue. At first, it was an innocent conversation. “I came across your number in my phone and I was wondering how you’re doing.”
We chatted for a while and then he suggested we meet up. For a moment I thought it would be great to see him again, but instead of stopping there and waiting for my response, he kept talking and proceeded to tell me that he always wondered what it would be like to sleep with me and he just had to satisfy his curiosity (among other things) before he got married.
Unfortunately, for Carl, he remains unsatisfied.
6. Explain a relationship… to his wife
After months of lying to me about being divorced, Unhappily Married Peter finally confessed that he was actually still married. And by the way, his wife was pregnant. To quote Ron Popeil, “But wait there’s more!” He gave my phone number to his wife so that I could end his marriage for him.
Well, maybe I can’t technically include this in my list, because I did it — only not for love. By the time she and I got off the phone, we both agreed, that scumbag wasn’t good enough for either of us.
Kate’s Dates runs every other Wednesday on Kate-book.com. It is written by the lovely Kate Richlin-Zack, who fully admits to majoring in engineering to meet guys. Her articles have been featured on xoJane, YourTango, and Romance Never Dies. She’s even been quoted in Fox News Magazine. Follow her on Facebook and Twitter.