I think it’s pretty safe to say, we want to make our men happy. We probably drive them crazy in the process but we genuinely want to make them happy, even if it means stepping a little outside our comfort zone. That being said, when it comes to stepping outside my sweatpants and into a sexy outfit, I have some issues…
Guys think lingerie is so easy, and in theory it’s great. You slip into something lacy, put a string of pearls between your teeth, and confidently saunter around like a pouty model in a fancy boudoir photo shoot. Sounds like fun for everyone, but the whole sexy outfit thing is far more complicated and potentially embarrassing than anyone realizes.
Ladies, if you weren’t already hesitant to surprise your guy with thigh highs and stilettos, this week’s column might make you think twice before you attempt to fulfill his fantasy. And gentlemen, hold onto your hats, because you might think twice before even asking.
When it comes to sexy lingerie, the basics are pretty easy to obtain at your local mall – think Victoria’s Secret or Frederick’s of Hollywood. It’s not particularly embarrassing to walk in and browse the merchandise at either of these locations. You can also shamelessly walk around with your hot pink striped bag and continue shopping elsewhere without feeling the least bit embarrassed.
But when he requests something more… ummm… complicated… say a slutty nurse’s uniform or vinyl catsuit, my first thought is always, “Where the hell am I supposed to find THAT?!?” There are actually plenty of places, but unfortunately they are often located in shady areas, like right off the highway next to the adult movie store with the broken neon sign flashing overhead.
If you can muster up the courage to simply go in, you don’t have to feel too embarrassed about purchasing anything. You don’t have to worry about coming up with excuses like, “Oh I’m buying the crotchless fishnetbody stocking for a friend… it’s a joke… it’s so funny.. you had to be there … ahem.” Everyone is in a similar situation. You’re either buying something to fulfill your boyfriend’s fantasy or you plan to wear it for amateur night. No shame, ladies. No shame.
Once you’ve purchased your sexy get up, now it’s time to reveal it and that part always induces the most anxiety. When do you wear it? Do you wear it under your clothes when you go to dinner? Do you shove it in your bag for the whole evening? Won’t it get wrinkled? What if you start digging around for your phone or your lip balm and whoops, what’s the Lucite heel doing in my bag? And then once you’re back at his place for a drink, do you politely excuse yourself to put it on? If you’ve already moved things to the bedroom, do you change in the bathroom? You’ll be in there forever trying to figure out all the buttons and snaps and hooks and things and he’ll probably start thinking you’re dropping the kids off at the pool, if you catch my drift. Or worse, he might fall asleep! How do you pull this off smoothly? Someone please explain the logistics because my first two attempts were a complete failure.
The first time, I took the simpler acquisition route and purchased a sexy bra and underwear set. I hesitate to even call it “underwear” when it looked more like a sling shot—but for simplicity’s sake, we’ll call it underwear. I was certain he’d love the little lacy red number that left very little to the imagination. I opted to bring it with me on vacation, figuring I could easily pack it in my luggage and there would be plenty of opportunities for me to disappear, put it on, and surprise him, thus overcoming some of the above concerns. One night, I decided to seize my opportunity. He was laying in bed reading a book so I had plenty of time to forgo my flannel pajamas (comfortable can be sexy!!) and put on my little outfit in an attempt to entice him. I’m not really sure what Victoria’s “soutache” lace is exactly but I can promise you it’s not compelling. As I sat straddled across his stomach, he lifted his eyes just enough to look at me over his book and said, “I had books long before I had women. You’ll just have to wait.” Long story short, no one’s fantasies were fulfilled that night.
My next attempt wasn’t much better. Fast forward a few years. Different boyfriend. Different outfit. He was into some kinky shit but a naughty school girl outfit was as far as I was willing to indulge him. It was a Sunday morning and we had just finished having coffee and reading the paper on the couch. We were planning to have a lazy day in our pajamas but I decided to surprise him. Nothing like zero expectations to help set you up for success, right? Guess again! I thought I looked pretty hot as I walked out of the bedroom in a white button down shirt tied around my waist and unbuttoned enough to reveal a lacy black bra, a short plaid skirt that barely covered my lady bits, knee high socks, and high heel Mary Janes. Apparently he disagreed because I was met with a barrage of laughter. Not exactly the reaction I’d hoped for. Don’t get me wrong, I like making people laugh, but not when I’m trying to be sexy.
Let’s say he doesn’t ignore you or laugh at you. Yay! You’ve gotten further than I did. But what do you actually DO in this get up?
According to the internet – where we can find answers to ALL of life’s important questions – you can create a play list for your sexy strip tease. A PLAY LIST? Seriously? With my luck, I’d forget to take my iPod off shuffle and Hanson’s “Mmm Bop” would totally kill the mood. But seriously, is he expecting a two act performance complete with intermission? Even strippers are only on the main stage for the duration of one song! And by the way, their skills are quite difficult to duplicate. I don’t know about you, but I can’t “make it clap” like they do and I fear if I attempted the knee-to-crotch maneuver, the poor guy would never be able to have children.
Forget stripping, even just dancing around can be hazardous in 6” heels. You might end up spending the evening in the emergency room waiting to have your ankle x-rayed. Hard to be sexy hobbling around on crutches and although you probably have the best story in response to everyone’s favorite “what did you do to your ankle?” question, you can only share it with a select group of people. So now in addition to your outfit, strip tease choreography, and play list, you have to concoct a plausible cover story.
Is it just me, or is this starting to sound like WAY too much work?
Assuming no one suffers any severe bodily injury and you actually get down to business, the outfit has to come off. If it took you two practice runs and 15 minutes of preparation just to get the thing on, how long will it take him to successfully undo all 56 hooks on your corset? – the correct answer to this multivariate calculus question is “too long.”
I’m not saying you shouldn’t plan for this to take up the whole evening, I just think six hours to get your clothes off might be too much “tease” and not enough “please.” Pouncing on him barefoot and naked is a lot less dangerous and ensures a greater probability for mutual satisfaction than all the planning, logistics, and potential pitfalls of a sexy outfit. Besides, it will probably only stay for one or two songs… or until Steve Jobs’ shuffle algorithm decides it’s “Mmm Bop” time.
Kate’s Dates is a column that runs every other Wednesday on Kate-book.com. It is written by the lovely Kate Richlin-Zack, who fully admits to majoring in engineering to meet guys. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.