Kate’s Dates: On Why He Didn’t Call

Kates-Dates-newby Kate Richlin-Zack


You’ve played it cool for the last three days but it’s day four and enough’s enough. Why hasn’t he called? The date went well, didn’t it?

There are only three, (yes, three) reasons that a guy won’t call you back:

1) There was no mutual connection

Emphasis on mutual. Within minutes of meeting up with him for your first date, you were overcome with excitement. He was absolutely perfect and even gave you butterflies in your tummy. After an amazing date and a quick kiss good night, you were in love and convinced he was “the one” so you called your mother and scheduled your Kleinfeld’s appointment for next week. Unfortunately, that first date was also your last and you haven’t heard from him since. Why? Quite simply, he didn’t feel the same way. He’s not a bad guy, but he’s not going to call you back.  It happens. In fact, it happens more often than not. But lack of mutual attraction (again, let me emphasize mutual) is not anyone’s fault and it’s certainly nothing to feel bad about. So what if he doesn’t feel the same way about you? You can’t hit it off with everyone; if you did, there would be no such thing as SOUL MATES.

2) He’s a jerk

Sometimes, no matter how much effort you put forth and no matter how smart, funny, and really really ridiculously good looking you are, guys are assholes. It’s not that you didn’t make a good impression; quite the opposite.  You spent so much time getting ready, picking an outfit, applying make up, doing your hair. Seven hours of prep time for three hours at an Olive Garden in hopes of something magical and sometimes the never ending bread sticks end up being the highlight of your evening. If you really put your best foot forward, the reason you didn’t hear from him has nothing to do with you.  He high-tailed it out of there because he knows you’re not going to put up with his bullshit. Maybe you were clear that you’re looking for something substantial and he’s only interested in booty calls. Maybe he’s not looking to settle down. Maybe he’s busy with the five other girls he’s juggling. And maybe you’re better off. Of course you will have no way of knowing if this is actually the case and you may have to accept a lack of communication as communication. Sometimes there is no closure. But if he doesn’t appreciate all you have to offer, it’s his loss for sure and you can feel confident that it’s not you, it’s him.

The third and final possibility is the one that’s going to sting the most so brace yourself; you’ve been warned.

3) You don’t deserve a phone call

I can already hear the hate emails hitting my inbox. But before you get angry with me for suggesting a perfectly viable possibility, stop and think for a moment.

Did you behave in a way that demanded respect and consideration?

If you can honestly answer “hell yes” to that question, then stop reading. The rest of this column doesn’t apply to you.

But if you can’t answer “yes” to that question, I strongly advise you to take a long hard in the mirror before you go pointing fingers and demonizing the entire males species. Maybe, just maybe, it’s you.

Allow me to provide you with an illustrative, though extreme, example to support my point…

One of my clients posted a profile on an online dating website hoping to meet a nice girl. He is a handsome guy so his picture definitely got him some attention, but his charming wit also shone through in 500 words or less. Not surprisingly, he was bombarded with messages from a variety of women. He replied to one of them with a friendly email asking her about her hobbies and interests in an effort to get to know her better. She responded by telling him how much she loves [insert expletive here] and that she hopes he’s into threesomes because she and her friend would like to [expletive-expletive-I’m-not-sure-how-that’s-physically-possible-expletive-but-I’ll-take-your-word-for-it]. 

Clearly these two aren’t looking for the same thing when it comes to a relationship. He’s a nice guy who’s looking for something meaningful (yes, ladies, they exist!). Threesome Cindy… not so much. She clearly had other intentions if she’s bringing up [expletive-expletive-tilt-your-head-sideways-and-it-still-doesn't-make-sense-expletive] right out of the gate so meaningful committed relationship is immediately off the table.

But that didn’t stop him from meeting up with her (against my advice).  Can’t say I blame him for taking advantage of the opportunity. It’s one of those things where you don’t necessarily want to do it but you feel like you have to do it  just to say you did it. So yes, he took her out for drinks. And sorry, I can’t comment on what actually happened. But I know for certain he did not call her back and he certainly did not feel guilty about it. Why call her back? She got what she wanted. End of transaction. Right?

For him, definitely. But for her, not so much  judging from the 17 missed calls, 3 voicemails, and 27 text messages demanding an explanation.

Here’s the thing, ladies. Take a knee and listen closely because this is important. Trashtastic tactics will get a response. For sure. But be prepared to get exactly what you ask for and nothing more.

If you offer yourself up like cheap fast food at a drive-up  window, he’s not coming back until the next time he gets drunk and needs a 3AM Taco Bell fix. Now don’t get me wrong. I love Taco Bell but I’m not bragging about it to my friends. I’m not bringing it home to my family. I eat it in secret, late at night after I’ve made a variety of other bad decisions, usually involving alcohol and I hope no one finds out about any of it.

No one marries Taco Bell.

You may not realize it but YOU set the tone.  If you want to be adored for the kick-ass awe-inspiring woman that you are, insist on it. Demand it. And don’t behave in ways that would lead others to believe you’re anything but kick-ass and awe-inspiring.

Kate’s Dates runs every other Wednesday on Kate-book.com. It is written by the lovely Kate Richlin-Zack, who fully admits to majoring in engineering to meet guys. Her articles have been featured  on xoJaneYourTango, and Romance Never Dies. She’s been quoted in Fox News Magazine and featured on Huffington Post Live. Follow her on Facebook and Twitter.

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2 thoughts on “Kate’s Dates: On Why He Didn’t Call

  1. TJP says:

    Your third point is a good one–there are a lot of ways to be a jerk. I was watching the excellent indie flick “Lbs.” last night. The premise is that a morbidly obese man from New Jersey is devastating his family with health problems arising from his overeating. Feeling guilty for his failure to change after a heart attack, he moves away and endures a touching struggle to lose weight and love himself. He had always been sweet on a girl at a diner he used to binge at. Once he returns to New Jersey, he and the diner girl go on a date, and she comments on how disgusting the obese guy at the next table is and hates on him for no reason. Protagonist excuses himself to the bathroom; walks out the door.

    Point is, no matter how hot you are, being judgmental and critical is not going to get you the guy. It might not even get you your dinner.

  2. Kate R-Z says:

    Being hot gets old. And one of my guy friends once told me for every hot girl out there, there’s at least one guy who got tired of dating her.

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