Kate’s Dates: Five Guys You Shouldn’t Date

By Kate Richlin-Zack

My parents always warned me not to date starving artists, bartenders, and guys who don’t pay their bills on time. I know, I know. We shouldn’t stereotype but there’s a reason the stereotype exists in the first place. I was instructed from an early age to always check the guy’s bank book (does anyone even have bank books anymore?) and to assess whether he’s kind to the wait staff. But despite the sage advice, there are a few other types that blindsided me and unfortunately I had to learn the hard way. Here are five guys you shouldn’t date.

The Perfect on Paper Boy

How to spot him

He’s extremely well educated. Comes from a good family. He knows just how to make you laugh. He sends you flowers and buys you gifts for no reason in particular. He’s a good looking guy. Not like he stepped off the pages of GQ but he’s certainly no slouch. He works out often and is in great shape but secretly loves junk food as much as you do. He has a promising career and reads to blind children in his spare time. If relationships were like jobs and we had to submit resumes and provide references, his would be pristine and his ex-girlfriends would gladly pick up the phone to lobby on his behalf citing their own inadequacies as the underlying cause of their respective breakups.

Why he’s tempting

Well, he’s pretty much “perfect” (however you want to define that) so you’d be an idiot if you weren’t interested in this guy. But that’s precisely the problem; he’s so perfect he’s boring. There’s no chemistry. No excitement. We need some spice! And that’s what sucks the most about this guy. On paper, he’s perfect; in reality, he’s a snooze fest. Plus I’m convinced that anyone who is THAT perfect has to be hiding something.

How to get rid of him

He’s not going away easily. Even if you start dating someone else, he’ll be carrying that torch around for a while. He’s devoted to you 100% — so nothing you say can change that. Try faking mental illness and he’ll offer to drive you to the clinic. He’s so persistent that you may end up the victim of an encore appearance. He’s perfect on paper, you SHOULD love him. Just remember that you don’t.

The Freeloader

How to spot him
He’s about 30 but dresses like a 19-year-old frat boy who just rolled out of bed. It’s likely he dropped out of college, not because he started his own company and is currently the world’s youngest billionaire, but because he wanted to backpack through Europe and “find himself.” Keep looking. For the most part he’s perpetually unemployed but occasionally lands a part-time handyman or construction gig and always has a rational explanation for why he’s “in between jobs.” He enjoys relaxing on your couch, eating your food, and spending your hard earned money.

Why he’s tempting
Despite his lacking ambition and sloth-like tendencies, you’ll find yourself attracted to him because he’s a good looking guy with a winning smile and a smooth line of BS. He’s managed to get through life without having to hold down a job or act like a grown up because he’s charming. Freeloaders say whatever’s necessary to get what they want. It’s a survival technique that he’s honed over a 30 year period so you don’t stand a chance against his charm. When it comes to relationships, he probably insists he’d dig ditches twenty hours a day if it meant he could be with you but there just aren’t any ditch digging jobs open right now. Sigh.

How to get rid of him
You don’t think he’s going to get off this gravy train willingly, do you? Ending this relationship will be tricky and you may have to sneak out of it if you want to end it successfully. It’s not as simple as saying, “this isn’t working out for me anymore,” because freeloaders have been freeloaders their whole lives. They’re really good at scamming and then convincing you it was your idea in the first place. The minute you try to end it, he will tell you whatever you need to hear to keep you supporting his comfortable lifestyle.

The Scumbag

How to spot him
He’s usually early-to-late 30s, i.e. old enough that he should have graduated from his player ways and developed some respect for himself and women. He’s got good job that requires a dress shirt and tie. He might even own his home. For all intents and purposes, he’s got his act together. And you can thank his wife/fiance/live-in-girlfriend/soon-to-be-ex-wife because she’s already invested her time and effort to at least make him look like a decent man. Therein lies your problem: from an emotional or legal standpoint, he’s spoken for by someone who is not you.  Guys who claim their relationship status is “complicated” also fall into this category.

Why he’s tempting
Aside from our stupid biological tendency to be attracted to a-holes, there’s an additional layer of complexity here. The fact that he’s attached demonstrates that his willingness to commit and if you’re looking for a long term relationship, you might fall victim to this bass ackwards logic. You may also be tempted by the fact that he’s doing a side by side comparison of you vs. his S.O. and you’re coming out on top. What’s not appealing about being more attractive than someone else? Everything is a competition these days. Plus there’s something deceptively alluring about being the other woman. The problem is, unless he’s willing to leave her, he’ll never really be yours.

How to get rid of him
This is the kind of relationship that should end before it even starts but it rarely works that way. If attempts to extricate yourself from this sticky situation fail, call his wife. She can probably help you out.

The Lone Wolf

How to spot him
Dark, brooding, intense. Think Ryan Gosling in “Drive.”  He doesn’t have a lot of friends (if any) and doesn’t have any substantial ties to family. He’s a loner, Dottie. A rebel. He drives too fast, smokes too much, and takes his whiskey neat. Rules were meant to be broken. He’s tall and lanky from malnutrition — who needs vegetables when you’ve got bourbon? You might mistake him for a hipster except he refuses to wear glasses, unless you’re referring to his aviator sunglasses that he needs for high speed cruising around dangerous curves.

Why he’s tempting
He’s irresistibly mysterious and so cool you’re beside yourself. You’re convinced you can soften his edges a little. You’re the woman that can save him from the dark side. You can fix him. But when you really think about it, it’s weird that he basically has no one. If he hasn’t even been able to maintain a friendship, what makes you think he’s going to be able to manage a serious relationship? Spoiler alert, he’s incapable. Move on.

How to get rid of him
Just stop calling. Chances are, he probably won’t notice anyway. He’s not the relationship type, remember?

The Mama’s Boy

How to spot him
Aside from the bleeding heart “MOM” tattoo, he can be anywhere from his late teens to his late 60s. Mama’s Boys span the generations. Why? Because it’s not something they will ever outgrow. He spends most weekends with his family and speaks very highly of his mother. Not only is she an amazing cook who keeps a spotless house while working two jobs, she’s also next in line for sainthood. He is looking for a woman to take over her previous responsibilities but instead, it will end up being more like a job share.

Why he’s tempting
The simple fact that he has a great deal of respect for his mother speaks volumes about him.  His relationship with his mother can provide good insight into his overall perceptions of women. When he holds his mother in very high regard, most of the time, you can assume he’ll do the same for you. The problem with Mama’s Boys is that they will never hold you in higher regard than their mother. That means for the rest of your life, despite the fact that he should be basing decisions on you, his mother will continue to assert her influence. And it may not even be intentional. He’ll default to whatever his mother thinks is the right thing to do. Considering taking a job overseas because it’s a great career move for you? Mama might not like that fact that her son will be missing Sunday dinner every week thanks to your international jet setting ways and she’ll be sure to remind you every chance she gets. Should you choose to stay in a relationship with a Mama’s Boy, be prepared to compete and lose. You will never cook as well as she does.

How to get rid of him
Call his mom and inform her that your relationship with her son is over. She can take it from there.

Kate’s Dates runs every other Wednesday on Kate-book.com. It is written by the lovely Kate Richlin-Zack, who fully admits to majoring in engineering to meet guys. Her articles have been featured  on xoJaneYourTango, and Romance Never Dies. She’s been quoted in Fox News Magazine and featured on Huffington Post Live. Follow her on Facebook and Twitter.

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2 thoughts on “Kate’s Dates: Five Guys You Shouldn’t Date

  1. [...] he’s not looking to settle down. Maybe he’s busy with the five other girls he’s juggling. And maybe you’re better off. Of course you will have no way of knowing if this is actually the case and you may have to accept [...]

  2. [...] people you have access to, the more crazy people you have access to and the harder it is to find someone of quality let alone someone with whom you’re compatible. Even if you’re really specific with your [...]

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