Dear Kate: What’s the rule on using lingerie from an ex for your new beau?

Dear-Kate-column-identityBy Katharine Luckinbill

Dear Kate,

I’m seeing a new guy, and I want to heat things up in the bedroom with some sexy undergarments. Problem is, I don’t really need any new outfits (I’m lacking on cash, but not on clothes)…but the intimate articles I own were all gifts from an ex. What’s the protocol on using old clothes with a new guy?


Panties in a Twist


Dear Panties in a Twist,

I understand your dilemma and I too would be hard pressed to throw/give away perfectly good lingerie, especially if I were on a tight budget.

But you have to see if from your new beau’s perspective…put yourself in his pants (pun intended)…would you want him re-gifting things that he had bought for an ex, to you? Probably not. It’s not that your clothes or lingerie necessarily have any sentimental connection to your ex – or at least I hope they don’t if you’re considering wearing them for the new fella – it’s just a general respect thing.

When I got into my first serious relationship after a yearlong dating spree, I decided to cut all my hair off. This was not a spectacular idea and probably a little rash in hindsight and my new boyfriend certainly didn’t care for my shorter ‘do – but I wanted a clean break from all of the guys that had played with or enjoyed my long hair in the past. I wanted my life with him to be new and fresh.

So the question that remains is how to furnish your new life with some new lingerie, and not go broke.

A few ideas:

1. Don’t buy everything at once. Keep your hunny guessing by purchasing one new item every few weeks to a month. Take 10% of your paycheck and use that to buy something really great. You’d be surprised how many times you can reuse these pieces and guys will swear they’ve never seen them before. Trust me…once the sails are up, the brain stops functioning properly and short-term memory is a thing of the past.

2. Check out deals at warehouse stores. It doesn’t sound very high class – but you’d be very surprised at the kind of high-end lingerie you can find at stores like Century21, T.J. Maxx and Target. I can sometimes find really fantastic pieces by Calvin Klein and Betsy Johnson. It’s a pain in the butt to look through those kinds of stores and you have to be ready for some serious lines (so wear good shoes) but it’s worth it to get a silk panty & bra combo for 65% off!

3. Use massage and candles, etc., instead of clothes. I think that these days more than ever, men are being turned on by their ladies going the extra romance-mile, and setting the mood in the bedroom. Romance (as we know it from the movies of the 80’s & 90’s) is actually and practically speaking, dead – and I think there’s a lot of pressure on the modern man to recreate these movie-worthy nights of bubble baths, foot rubs and nights out on the lake kissing under the moonlight. So when we can take a little bit of that pressure off and do it for them – it gives them a little air to just relax and enjoy the evening. They won’t care what you’re wearing after a sensual massage in dim candlelight. That’s a Dear Kate promise.

4. Work with what you have. OR Just be naked.  I think there’s something to be said for nakedness. It’s a lost art. When did the body, covered in lace, become more interesting than the naked body? Sometimes the lace is excellent and wonderful – but sometimes nakedness can be just as teasing if you do it right. Try experimenting with what you already have at home – a trench coat, a miniskirt or just a white bed sheet – you’d be astonished what you can come up with if you just use a little imagination.

Wishing you sincerely untwisted panties and wrinkled sheets,


 And just for a laugh…panties in a twist - keanu

Dear Kate is a column that runs on every other Thursday at noon. It is written by the wise Katharine Luckinbill, who you should follow on Twitter. Got a life, friendship, family, dating, or relationship question that you’d like Dear Kate to answer? Send it to and she will help you out!

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One thought on “Dear Kate: What’s the rule on using lingerie from an ex for your new beau?

  1. Loren Fadness says:

    It can be so frustrating when you open your linen closet to get a set of bedsheets out and you end up spending the next 10 minutes trying to decipher if the sheets you grabbed are for your full size, queen size or king size mattress. Instead of easily grabbing what you need, you end up making a bigger mess in the closet! Not fun.;

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