By Katharine Luckinbill
I’m a newlywed, and my husband and I waited until marriage to have sex. I am very attracted to him, and our sex life seems to be pretty good except for one glaring issue. He won’t go down on me! The worst part is that he won’t even tell me why. I’m starting to get insecure that it’s me. How do I get him to talk to me about this issue, and more importantly, to start doing it??
Not Hot or Bothered,
Ah, the fabled “wait until marriage” couple of yesteryear. Seriously — no mocking tone — but I truly thought your kind had gone extinct! At least not in the form of normal, fun loving youngsters who just want to get their groove on. I am ecstatic to find that I am mistaken. Kudos for holding out on the most intimate of connections until you found the person you wanted to be with for the rest of your life. It is certainly a rarity in this sexually explicit day and age.
On the other hand…probably should have discussed this kind of thing before tying the knot, no?
I’ve always felt torn regarding the idea of waiting until marriage. I’m a big believer in a healthy sex life in monogamous relationships; I think they contribute to the solid foundation of commitment that will last a lifetime. If you can start out with a great relationship in the bedroom — you can always use it as a tool to spice things up later on down the line when the connection feels less fiery and more flat. But if you don’t know what your sexual connection truly is when you say your vows, can you really be sure that you will have that to fall back on later? Unlike, well, everything else — there’s no app for that.
Lasting sexual chemistry is a rare bird. You can have the hots for all kinds of different people throughout your life. That crushing desire to kiss and touch someone for the first time? Cheap, abundant, humdrum really. It’s when you are home in your sweatpants, with the stomach flu, and your significant other still wants you and you still want them — that’s when you know you’ve really won.
I want to go ahead and assume that all of that is picture perfect between you and your hubby — but something keeps jumping out at me — “our sex life seems to be pretty good”. There’s that theme again. Women who don’t appear even moderately excited about the man they are with. Listen, when it’s good, YOU KNOW. And there is no question mark. At all. Same thing goes for the orgasm…if you think you’ve “probably” had one, you haven’t had one. Keep trying.
Now, unlike last week’s write-in, you are actually married to the guy, which I take pretty seriously. So let’s do our best to make this work for the two of you.
Before you have a sit-down conversation about why he isn’t doing something physical, try throwing some sexual curveballs at him first, and see if he responds. Sometimes talking about problems in the bedroom can be just about the least stimulating thing for a guy, and can actually end up turning him off. So, in an unlikely twist, I’m going to recommend using communication as your last resort for something like this.
Let’s start with the superficial first. If you’re not generally someone who waxes or shaves completely, maybe that’s something you want to try. See here for tips on doing it for the first time. Also, if you don’t already own some great, flattering, cheap or expensive looking (depending on his tastes) lingerie, go buy some right now. I recommend starting with thigh highs and a garter.
The next thing to do is educate yourself. Your beau will never be able to properly please you until you know what really rings your bell. Try picking up this book, written by none other than Sex in the City‘s Kim Cattrall, and learning a little bit about yourself. And hey, while you’re on Amazon — why not get this one for your hubby?
Lastly, and I would say most importantly — check out some sites like Babeland.com for advice, sex tips, and locations of workshops nearby. If you don’t live in the tri-state or Seattle — try doing a Google search for sex workshops in your area. You’d be amazed what you don’t know, and what you can both learn. About yourselves and each other.
If after all this, he is still hesitant to take the plunge (so to speak), then I would recommend looking into visiting a couples therapist who specializes in sex and intimacy.
But I’m going to bet that if you make the first move to educate yourself and elevate your own sexual confidence, he’s going to follow right behind you.
Goodnight, and Good Luck.
PS: Just in case, here’s what to do if he ever asks for anything too kinky.
Dear Kate is a column that runs on Kate-book.com every Thursday at noon. It is written by the wise Katharine Luckinbill, who you should follow on Twitter. Got a life, friendship, family, dating, or relationship question that you’d like Dear Kate to answer? Send it to firstname.lastname@example.org and she will help you out.