Dear Kate: My friend is getting married and I’m not invited! Should I be upset?

Dear-Kate-column-identityBy Katharine Luckinbill

Dear Kate,

One of my pretty close friends is getting married. She’s been with the guy for a long time and so I know them both well. We ‘ve talked about her getting engaged many, many times, and after she finally did, we had a great conversation about how much fun her wedding would be. Well she just sent out the “save-the-date’s” and guess who didn’t get one? Should I be upset or should I just let it go? I feel like I thought we were good friends and she didn’t feel the same way. All of my other friends will be there. Am I the black sheep?

Sincerely Uninvited,



Dear Uninvited Cassie,

Well first thing’s first, to your question, “Should I let it go?” the answer from me will almost always be a resounding YES. Not because some things aren’t worth fighting for, but rather because the essence of “letting go” is to not hold on to anger and ill feelings because it only does harm to you and no one else.

However, your other question, “Should I be upset?” is kind of another ballgame. That one is really up to you.

Would I be upset? Probably.

Would I stay upset? Probably not.

Why is that?

Because one fewer wedding to attend is a blessing in disguise, even if it doesn’t seem so right away.

One fewer wedding to attend is a blessing in disguise.

It’s not going to be awesome to have all of your friends attend a wedding that you can’t go to. But on the other hand, weddings are extremely expensive to be a part of, especially if you are part of the “close” group of friends. There could be any number of things to participate in and, more importantly, pay for;

Including, but not limited to: bridal shower, dress fitting, bridal brunches, bachelorette party, wedding gift, travel, hotel, new dress for you etc., etc.

Are you seeing the dollar signs start to pile up here?


The question about whether or not you are as close as you might have thought goes a little deeper, and if it’s bothering you, then maybe it’s something that you two will have to talk about.

But my curiosity sits on how come you didn’t know you wouldn’t be getting a save-the-date? If I were close to someone, and I couldn’t be invited to their wedding (for whatever reason), I would hope and expect that they would tell me before I learned through the grapevine. So that might be your thing worth fighting for and what I would probably think was the top priority to talk to your friend about. It may indeed be that you aren’t as close as you thought if she didn’t feel it necessary to even warn you that you might not be on the guest list. And if so, thank goodness you didn’t go out and spend a bunch of money on a wedding for a sort-of-friend!


I’d say count your blessings, and take a vacation with any of your other friends who won’t be attending these nuptials either. It’ll make you feel good and you won’t care whether or not you’re eating mediocre catered food and doing the electric slide for the 3rd time in one night.

it's electric!

Here’s to drinking Mai-Tais on the beach in Hawaii instead,



Dear Kate is a column that runs on every other Thursday at noon. It is written by the wise Katharine Luckinbill, who you should follow on Twitter. Got a life, friendship, family, dating, or relationship question that you’d like Dear Kate to answer? Send it to and she will help you out!

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2 thoughts on “Dear Kate: My friend is getting married and I’m not invited! Should I be upset?

  1. Kate M. says:

    Cassie/Kate, Did is occur to either of you that not receiving ‘save the date’ could have been an oversight? She may not have checkedd off your Email in error, or forgot to mail your invite, etc. Just ask her nicely. You may be surprised. And if you aren’t invited, then at least you know (and won’t have to spend tons of money on a supposed friend).

  2. Kate Torgovnick says:

    If you think it could be an oversight, definitely ask. But do know that if it wasn’t an oversight, she’ll feel pressure to invite you. SO only do this if you WANT to go.

    Honestly, many people I know have been having small weddings lately. Like, very small. If your wedding is 40 people, once family is taken care of, only a handful of friends and their plus ones can make the list. Which means only best friends are invited.

    I wouldn’t be offended.

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