I am 30 and have been married for three years. My husband is a great guy, but I think I may have married the wrong person. Our sex life is not great (for me at least) and he’s pressuring me to have a baby but I don’t want to have a child and then get divorced. I don’t know if I would ever find anyone who would take better care of me or who would be a better dad, but I don’t know if I can put my other feelings aside for the rest of my life. Should I get out now (it would probably kill him if I asked for a divorce) or should I resign myself to spending the rest of my life with a decent, hard-working, kind guy who just doesn’t ring my bell?
Wow. This is a tough one and I certainly think of you in high regard for reaching out to talk about it before making a decision. Since you are married now, this (as I’m sure you realize) is not a decision to take lightly. Some people say, “Well if it doesn’t work out, I’ll just get a divorce.” But I, personally, am a firm believer in making it work– IF you can. Which brings me to my first point – have you taken all of the necessary steps to figure out why this marriage isn’t working for you, and if there is a way to make it work? For example:
- Counseling – Both individual and couples counseling can work wonders. Sometimes we aren’t even aware of the reasons we are holding ourselves back from loving someone, or allowing ourselves to be loved. Find someone close to home or work – that you and your husband can go to together, but also have sessions on your own to try and work through whatever is going on. **Note: your husband may not take to this idea at first, as “therapy” per se, can seem very intimidating to men – explain to him in a calm yet assertive way that you think this is a necessity in your relationship.
- What’s going on in the bedroom? Was your sex life great once, but has lost its sizzle, or has it never really done it for you? Ask yourself honestly – but either way – the best thing about goings-on in the bedroom, is that you can almost always fix that part. Look into taking some classes on sexuality and how to steam things up in the bedroom – I think you’d be surprised how you might feel afterward.
- Talk to him about it! Leaving him in the dark is helping no one. There is a reason why you married this man – and as his wife, you now have a responsibility to communicate with him about your relationship. Again, a counselor can help you to find the best way to approach these things if you can’t navigate it on your own.
If all of these things fail – if it still doesn’t do it for you – if you have traveled down every road and are still left wanting more, then reassess your marriage. No one wins if you are staying together to spare his feelings. You deserve to be with someone who really excites you, but what’s more – HE deserves to be with someone who will love him fully for who he is. So try to find out if that’s you. If it’s not – walk away knowing that you gave it your very best try.
Dear Kate is a column that runs on Kate-book.com every Thursday at noon. It is written by the wise Katharine Luckinbill, who you should follow on Twitter. Got a life, friendship, family, dating, or relationship question that you’d like Dear Kate to answer? Send it to firstname.lastname@example.org and she will help you out.