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Sep 26 2012
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Kate's Dates, Real Kates, Relationships

Kate’s Dates: An Open Letter To The Booze Bag I Abandoned On The Lower East Side


By Kate Richlin-Zack

Nine dirty martinis in 3.5 hours. That’s quite an average there, boozer.

I could say that’s impressive but it’s probably a better indication of your raging alcohol dependency. Let me “break it down” for you this time, since this seems to be your catch phrase along with the sporadic, inappropriately timed bird calls of which you were ever so fond: drinking that much on a first date is a very bad idea. In fact, drinking that much at all is a very BAD idea.

Why? Because apparently, despite your claims that you are a “fun drunk,” you’re actually a gaping a-hole, drunk or sober. Assuming you’re ever sober.

I’m not quite sure at what point things started deteriorating. The initial meeting was great. Immediate attraction. Great rapport. We obviously appreciated each other’s sarcastic, ball-busting sense of humor. Perhaps things started devolving when you finished your second dirty martini while I was still working on my first drink. Granted, I’m just assuming it was only your second since by this point, I’d only witnessed you consume two alcoholic beverages. Most likely, considering your well established connection with the bartender:

1) you likely had at least one, if not two, drinks before I even arrived and

2) our charming bartender Keith made them extra strong for you, his most loyal customer.

But I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt and start the martini count at the moment I arrived.

Drinks: 2
Elapsed time: 30 minutes

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Sep 12 2012
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Kate's Dates, Real Kates, Relationships

Kate’s Dates: On Love and Money

By Kate Richlin-Zack

Someone asked me the other day if salary was ever on my list of dating criteria. Truth be told, it’s in the top five. But it’s not because I had visions of  being a trophy wife who spends her days sipping martinis over lunch with my girlfriends or attending back-to-back pilates classes (though that does sound nice). In all my previous experience, money has always, on some level, caused problems in my relationships. The severity of the problem was often directly proportional to the amount of money we didn’t have at the time and I don’t think I’m the only one who’s had that experience. Living paycheck to paycheck is never fun.

Before I go any further on this topic, there’s an important point that I need to clarify because I if I don’t, I just know the hate mail will be flooding my inbox. There’s a difference between being broke because of a temporary hardship and being broke because of a pattern of lazy behavior.

Guys who are broke because of a temporary hardship are not the type of guys I’m talking about here. I’m not referring to guys who are broke because they went back to school to better their career or took time off from their job to care for their dying grandmother. These are actually the kind of guys you should hitch your wagon to because not only are they going places but when you’re sick and dying, they’ll feed you soup and read you stories, like something out of The Notebook. Bonus points if he looks like Ryan Gosling. Let me reiterate: I’m not referring to these guys.

This entire column focuses on, for lack of better terms, freeloaders and deadbeats who are broke because of a pattern of shoddy employment. You know exactly who I’m talking about and hopefully you’re not dating one of them (for my guy readers out there, I hope you’re not one of them): The 30-something happily unemployed college dropout with bad credit who lives at home with his parents and owes an obscene amount of back taxes.

Those are the guys I’m referring to here. If you find yourself dating someone who falls into this category, I strongly suggest you do yourself a favor and get rid of him before you end up living with his parents too. Here’s why…

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Aug 29 2012
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Kate's Dates, Real Kates, Relationships

Kate’s Dates: On those annoying relationship Facebook posts

By Kate Richlin-Zack

Facebook really pissed me off last night.

This reaction is actually highly unusual for me since I spend an exorbitant amount of time on the site. I love keeping up with old friends, watching everyone’s funny YouTube videos, and I even get a kick out of the effervescent political rants that are becoming more and more popular recently.

But for some reason as I was scrolling through the newsfeed reading a bunch of inane status updates, I suddenly thought to myself, “Who gives a crap?!”

Facebook is incredibly self indulgent. It’s a way to let everyone on your “friends” list know who, what, when, where, and how you’re doing. Also known as a way to make them jealous of all the awesome things you have and do and all the fascinating people you hang out with. Barf.

Look at my Instagram photos. I can turn everyday objects, like the EZ Mac I had for lunch, into art thanks to a filter and a border. And my ironic captions serve as social commentary.

Here are 27 webcam photos of me. I’m really really ridiculously good looking. Check out all the interesting faces I make.

All of my friends are really really ridiculously good looking too. Here’s a photo of us at a trendy bar. It’s trendy because you’ve never been there. I even check into my apartment, which is also trendy because you’ve never been there.

Here’s a picture of me making kissy face with my cat. She rescued a child from a well last year.

And if that wasn’t irritating enough, then you start dating some former-model-turned-nuclear-physicist who’s so gorgeous he looks like he’s from another planet. So now in addition to all the usual obnoxious posts, every relationship milestone is documented online and the status updates reach a whole new level of irritating.

For example…

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Aug 15 2012
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Kate's Dates, Real Kates, Relationships

Kate’s Dates: Why Snooping Makes You Crazy

By Kate Richlin-Zack

Gosh it’s just so tempting. He forgets to log out of his email on your computer. He falls asleep in one room and his phone is in the next. He leaves town on business for a few days and you just have to rifle around in his closet. You’re just dying to starting digging through his business, but before you dive in, you might want to think twice. Not only will snooping make you look like a raving lunatic to your unsuspecting boyfriend (he’s so cute when he’s asleep, isn’t he?), you could end up driving yourself crazy and doing irreparable damage to your relationship.

What are you looking for?

Before you go sifting through his text messages, it’s important that you ask yourself a few questions: What is it that you’re looking to find? And more importantly, why are you suspicious in the first place?  Do you have the sneaking suspicion he’s not telling you something? Or are you just inclined to overstep your boundaries? I’m definitely guilty of falling into the latter category and justifying it by citing Ronald Reagan’s approach: Trust but Verify.  If you truly feel you have something to worry about, and feel completely justified in rummaging around in his closets, maybe it’s time to reevaluate your relationship.

It’s all out of context

Anything you find during your snooping adventure is all out of context. If you were to look through your own text messages, chances are most of the conversations would make absolutely no sense. Here’s a great example. You bump into an old friend you haven’t seen in years while waiting in line for your morning coffee. You have a five minute conversation while trying to order, much to the dismay of the irritated barista who is probably going to give you decaf out of spite for slowing things down. As you leave, you give her your number on the back of a napkin.

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Aug 01 2012
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Kate's Dates, Real Kates

Kate’s Dates: How to pack for a one night stand

By Kate Richlin-Zack

So you’re looking for a no-strings-attached limited engagement encounter.

Can’t say I blame you. A big part of the fun of dating is the hunt. The excitement of what could happen is enough to drive us to slather on the war paint, wear the most uncomfortable shoes (they make my legs look longer!), and wear clothing that is completely inappropriate for the weather in hopes of going home with a cute guy for the evening. Sounds like a flawless game plan but hold on there, Maneater; it only covers everything leading up to your main objective. What happens AFTER you hook up? At some point you have to go home. Did you think about those logistics?

Chances are, you didn’t. Thankfully, I have a few tips and tricks that will get you home in one piece and help you avoid a completely shameful Walk of Shame.

An Exit Strategy

First and foremost, you need an exit strategy. It’s probably best to have this sorted out before you even leave your home and definitely before you start drinking. Trying to figure out how you’re going to get home after three apple martinis is asking for trouble so work it out in advance. I strongly recommend hooking up with guys that live in the middle of big cities. There’s usually ample public transportation, so should you want (or NEED) to leave his place at a moment’s notice, you have options.

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Jul 18 2012
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Kate's Dates, Real Kates, Relationships

Kate’s Dates: Why I’d much rather be dumped over the phone

By Kate Richlin-Zack

We’d like to believe that the best way to break up with a person is to sit down with them face-to-face and have an honest, open discussion about why you feel the relationship should no longer continue. After a calm, mature discussion, you will both come to the amicable conclusion that the relationship isn’t working for either of you. You’ll share a friendly hug, and part ways saying, “I’m so glad we’re still friends.”

Can someone tell me on what planet this actually happens? I’d like to go there. It sounds tranquil and civilized.

Every relationship I’ve ever been in, with MAYBE a few exceptions, has ended with a cataclysmic scene. Even the ones where we agreed to the aforementioned amicable break-up scenario ahead of time didn’t end that way. There was always crying, shouting, and throwing things. Histrionics of epic proportions, if you will.

Having been dumped by every means possible, I’ve come to the conclusion that face-to-face is the worst way to end a relationship.

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Jul 04 2012
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Kate's Dates, Real Kates, Relationships

Kate’s Dates: Fine, here’s the real reason that I dumped you

By Kate Richlin-Zack

Inspired by #ICantDateYou trending on Twitter this week, I thought it would be fun to reveal the truth behind why I dumped some of my exes.

I’ve been dumped quite a bit in my life, but I’ve also been the dumper. Neither scenario is fun, but I think I’d rather be the one getting dumped than the one doing the dumping. There’s just too much guilt being the dumper. Most of the time, the guy didn’t see it coming so I tried to let him down gently. I came up with all kinds of excuses like “I’m not ready for the kind of relationship you want” or “You deserve someone better,” the latter being a bold faced lie. I mean, you don’t dump someone who’s too good for you! If you have half a brain in your head, you’ll ride that gravy train for as long as possible. Duh. The vague “It’s not you, it’s me” was a popular one but I usually stuck with “I think we should see other people.”  I just left out “… because you [insert deal breaker here].”

My personal favorite non-confrontational-possibly-passive-aggressive way of dumping someone was simply never returning their phone calls. It’s amazing how a few days of radio silence really got my point across, but you can only get away with that when the relationship is still relatively new. If you have a connection with the guy, you have to provide some explanation, but under no circumstances can you tell the whole truth.

Until now…

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Jun 20 2012
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Kate's Dates, Real Kates, Relationships

Kate’s Dates: Why I can’t stand his exes, with zero exceptions

By Kate Richlin-Zack

I’m just going to come clean: I hate every woman my husband has ever dated.

I won’t apologize for it or try to get over it. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I will always hate them to some degree, depending on the depth of their relationship. If she was a random hook up, I’ll hate her slightly less than if she was a serious long term girlfriend. Regardless, I hate them all.

It’s nothing new; I felt the same way with all my previous boyfriends. I always struggled to be pleasant if I was with a guy and we randomly bumped into an ex-girlfriend, especially if they stayed friends after breaking up. I’m simply not capable of being “the bigger person.”

All you armchair psychiatrists out there are probably thinking, “Oh you’re so insecure. So irrational!”

Maybe so.

I think I’m more territorial than anything else and, in situations like this, I completely understand why animals pee on things. It’s a clear statement: “Stay away. This is MINE … and I pissed on it so you wouldn’t want it anyway.” The slightly more evolved equivalent (minus peeing on my husband—that’s just gross) would be to contact all of his exes and deliver a similar message. There’s a majority part of me that would LOVE to do JUST that, but I realize that would only make me look like an absolute nut case, so I resist that overwhelming urge.

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Jun 06 2012
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Kate's Dates, Real Kates, Relationships

Kate’s Dates: The art of the sexy outfit

Kate's Dates: The art of the sexy outfitBy Kate Richlin-Zack

I think it’s pretty safe to say, we want to make our men happy. We probably drive them crazy in the process but we genuinely want to make them happy, even if it means stepping a little outside our comfort zone.  That being said, when it comes to stepping outside my sweatpants and into a sexy outfit, I have some issues…

Guys think lingerie is so easy, and in theory it’s great. You slip into something lacy, put a string of pearls between your teeth, and confidently saunter around like a pouty model in a fancy boudoir photo shoot. Sounds like fun for everyone, but the whole sexy outfit thing is far more complicated and potentially embarrassing than anyone realizes.

Ladies, if you weren’t already hesitant to surprise your guy with thigh highs and stilettos, this week’s column might make you think twice before you attempt to fulfill his fantasy. And gentlemen, hold onto your hats, because you might think twice before even asking.

When it comes to sexy lingerie, the basics are pretty easy to obtain at your local mall – think Victoria’s Secret or Frederick’s of Hollywood. It’s not particularly embarrassing to walk in and browse the merchandise at either of these locations. You can also shamelessly walk around with your hot pink striped bag and continue shopping elsewhere without feeling the least bit embarrassed.

But when he requests something more… ummm… complicated… say a slutty nurse’s uniform or vinyl catsuit, my first thought is always, “Where the hell am I supposed to find THAT?!?”  There are actually plenty of places, but unfortunately they are often located in shady areas, like right off the highway next to the adult movie store with the broken neon sign flashing overhead.

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May 23 2012
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Kate's Dates, Real Kates, Relationships

Kate’s Dates: Why we can’t resist an asshole

By Kate Richlin-Zack

If I hadn’t witnessed it with my own eyes, I never would have believed it. My friends and I stumbled into a crowded bar for some after-dinner drinks one night and, within thirty minutes, my friend Aaron had the waitress’ phone number. Not that surprising since Aaron is a tall, good looking guy who always seems to have a harem; but his technique was unorthodox to say the least. He stood in her way whenever the waitress walked past us. He would interrupt her while she was taking orders from other customers. He sent his drink back three times, citing something absurd each time — “not enough gin…  not enough tonic…  I asked for a martini…  I’m just a pain in the ass.” If I were her, I would have sent another server to our table but she GAVE him her phone number and he didn’t even ASK for it.

What the…? Yeah, I’m not really sure either.

But come to think of it, I’m not much better than that waitress. I’ve had boyfriends who were “perfect.” They were loving, sensitive, doting. They made me breakfast in bed every morning, they scraped the ice off my car windshield when it snowed, they bought me every handbag and piece of jewelry I noticed. They were Aaron’s polar opposite. But I dumped them anyway.

Why?

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May 09 2012
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Kate's Dates, Real Kates, Relationships

Kate’s Dates: How did I end up being his Fake Girlfriend?

Kate's Dates: Fake BoyfriendBy Kate Richlin-Zack

It all happened very quickly. I met Fake Boyfriend Frederick and within weeks we were inseparable. We did everything together. I was under the impression that our relationship was developing slowly into something that would ultimately lead to marriage … until that painful moment when I realized, “I’m just the girl to occupy his time until he finds someone he actually wants to be in a relationship with.”

We spent a lot of time together … a LOT.

No matter how you sliced it, we acted like a couple. Anywhere I went, he wasn’t far behind and vice versa. We went to dinner together frequently, sometimes just the two of us, sometimes with groups of friends. We went to the gym together. I loved watching him lift weights and I tried to entice him by wearing things that were borderline inappropriate for a serious workout—I mean, who wears a push-up bra to the gym? This girl. We spent Sunday afternoons reading the newspaper in the park after grabbing brunch at one of our favorite restaurants. During the week, he’d come over to my place and we’d make popcorn and watch movies in our sweats. I loved just being near him all the time. I don’t know how we didn’t get sick of each other.

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May 02 2012
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Kate's Dates, Real Kates, Relationships

Kate’s Dates: Kate’s Dates: Why living together before getting married isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, Part 2

Kate's Dates: On CohabitationBy Kate Richlin-Zack

Last week we covered the worst case scenario when it comes to cohabitating: it doesn’t work out and you ultimately break up. In short, it’s a mess. I strongly advise against it.

But what about the best case scenario? Let’s say it DOES work out…

Let’s say the two of you have every intention of spending the rest of your lives together and even the Psychic Friends Network is predicting happily ever after. Then what? Should you move in before you’re officially engaged or married? I still say NO.

Based on my own experience, I personally think it’s not worth it for reasons that didn’t occur to me until it was too late. When my now-husband-then-boyfriend-not-yet-fiancé discussed moving in together, I was hesitant even though I knew for certain that getting married was a matter of “when” not “if” for us. I had been down this road before—you remember all the crying, vomiting, and stealthy escape planning, so you can understand why I’d be gun shy. Even after living through the worst possible cohabitating scenario and fully understanding what I could possibly be getting myself into, my husband made a great case with all those pesky “advantages.” I figured, “This time it’s different. This relationship is going to work out, so maybe he’s right and it DOESN’T make sense NOT to live together.”

Wrong.

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